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| The year 2009 was kind to me, and I'm sorry to see it leave. In 2009 I became close to so many people who I cherish dearly, I did things I didn't think I would ever do, I got involved with almost every school activity humanly possible, I won awards, I loved, I lived, I wrote, and I was mostly happy. You can't ask for much more from a single year.
2010 will be a year of immense change, and I'm both terrified and excited. I'll be graduating high school and moving away to college, and at the moment I can't even describe how that makes me feel. I wish I were full of wisdom and reflection and could write a decent blog, but at the moment I'm exhausted from college application drama. I hope that tomorrow I'll start fair 2010 with a solid blog entry, but for now I'd like to wish everyone a prosperous and joy-filled new year--and go to sleep.
Happy 2010!
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| The more that you love someone, the more power that they have over you. Love gives others the ability to literally make or break your day. The more you invest in someone--the more that you adore them more than your own flesh, your own blood, your own bones and thoughts and emotions--the easier it is for them to destroy you. Unrequited love, no matter its form, is one of the worst things that lurks in the shadows of this earth. When you love someone--truly love them--and they don't love you back, it's like acid slowly being poured individually into each cell of your body. It tastes bitter like medicine you just can't swallow. You can't shake it or ignore it or pretend it doesn't hurt you.
And the more you love someone, the harder you make it for feelings to be reciprocated. Try as you might, though, it's not something you can choose. You can't just stop loving someone when they hold you together; it's like telling a writer not to write or a teacher not to teach. Those whom we love? Their words and actions hold a greater meaning. Their thoughts are more heavily weighted to us. Their approval means everything, and their criticisms can break us. Sometimes all you could possibly want from this world is for your feelings to be matched, but it doesn't always work that way. It can eat away at you, and the worst thing is that you created it all. You gave the person their power just by loving them. You create the monster of your demise. Expectations are just traitors to our desires, and sometimes we set ourselves up for failure just by the simple love for another human being.
But love means everything, and it feels safe even when it hurts.
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| Things get progressively more complicated. That's life. You come into the world, new and blinking in the bright light, crying and working your beautiful pink lungs. From that very moment things get more complicated. With each year comes new knowledge that threatens your soul with hardness; each year brings new responsibilities and more unforeseen elements of your existence. Friends, relationships, bills, jobs, school, people, your place on this spinning planet of ours, your identity--things your mind couldn't have wrapped itself around in the year prior but is now forced to tackle. Rising complication--that's what life is. The minute you figure out the last hurdle, another one is in your lane. Breaks are few and far between it seems. Does this mean that life is bad? No. It's just complicated and convoluted. There has never been a single moment where I've felt as though I've figured every out every single aspect of my life. And you know what? That's okay, 'cause if I've cut through the confusion that comes hand-in-hand with complications, what fun would that be? There would be no mystery, no surprises, no falling in love, no adrenaline, no excitement, no blind faith in something that may or may not exist, no destiny.
Without complications there would be nothing
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| Things aren't good right now. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally, and I'd love a week away from everything. I feel raw. Actually, I feel way too many things at the moment, and that's half the problem. I'd rather not feel anything at all. I need to talk this out. I need to cry this out.
Feel, want, need, breathe, cry, sigh, hide, leave, run, sleep, lie, hate, love...
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| I wish I could explain this better, but it's hard to get into when I only have a short amount of time to write.
Mom, Casey, and I were out to dinner at a local buffet. Casey and I were still buzzed on our adventures for the day, and I felt as though nothing in any form could get me down.
Oh, I should never underestimate the power of an awkward dinner conversation.
Mom had just gotten done telling a story about me when I was younger, and I laughed and said, "Yeah, I used to be cute."
"That stopped when you were about five," my mom remarked.
"Then what am I now?" I asked, turning to face her.
She paused for a moment. "High maintenance."
I dropped my gaze to my lap. "What?" she inquired, seeing my dejected look. "What did you want me to say?"
"I dunno. Maybe that now I'm sophisticated and beautiful."
"Why lie?" she answered simply.
"I think you're sophisticated and beautiful," Casey said.
"Oh Casey, you know exactly what to say. See? Casey will say it."
"So you just want her to lie to you?" said my ever-so-kind mother.
"I hate you."
"No, you don't."
Casey and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. We had just had a conversation a few hours before about hating people and other people not believing it. It involved Alex, of course, and Casey said, "Can I tell her? Please can I tell her?"
"Nooooo."
(She was referring to the whole Alex situation, and the reason I've never told my mom about it is because she just dismisses any problem as "He's gay!" Every. Time. Not what I need to hear.)
"Please? I just wanna hear her say it."
"NOOO."
"Megan and Alex dated," Casey blurted out.
"What? And what happened?"
"He broke it off after a day."
"What an ass."
"Oh, c'mon, SAY IT." Casey was practically bouncing in her seat.
"He's gay."
"AHHH!" Casey almost died of laughter, and while I was laughing I certainly wasn't happy. Not because Casey had said it (which wasn't the greatest) but because of my mom's reaction.
"Not only is he gay--he's a freakin' fairy."
And so it went back and forth, both of them taking shots at him and indirectly hitting me. Every time someone says that he's gay, it's like they're ridiculing me for ever liking him. Just leave it because you're hurting more than just him.
I turned the tables and blurted out some of Casey's relationship woes in order to get even, and it was then that I realized how much like sisters we really are... both of us telling on each other to Mom and trying to get even. I guess that what happens when you've been friends with someone for over nine years.
After all was said and done, my mom wondered why I hadn't told her in the first place. Gee, I don't know, maybe it's because I don't want to be put down for who I like? Maybe I don't want to hear you call him gay like everyone else? Maybe because I just want to talk to someone supportive?
Yeah, I wonder.
Oh, and she was telling Casey how I ruined Thanksgiving because I was on my computer. Really? Is that why after dinner you wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night and the majority of the next day? I went on the computer after dinner was over and she had gone into her office. Right, 'cause going on the computer AFTER dinner is obviously a horrible, naughty thing.
Wow, I love the way things are. I love how my mom puts me down in front of my friends and gets pissed at me for no reason. I mean, yeah, I DO love my life and my mom, but this gets so exhausting after a while.
Please just put the stick down. The horse is dead. Stop beating him.
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